New Musical Express, July 22nd 1978
Transcribed by Karsten Roekens
© 1978 NME / John Lydon
WOULD YOU PAY THIS MAN MONEY TO WRITE THE SINGLES?
The £100 Rotten Review, Baby (the title of said review, sparsely yours!)
SINGLE OF THE DAY
Captain Sensible & The Softies: 'Jet Boy, Jet Girl' (Poker)
"This is a right load of nonsense, a pisstake of Plastic Batwang's 'Bla La'. Buy it and hate."
CHEEK OF THE WEEK
Suicide: 'Cheree' (Red Star Records)
"Complete rubbish, a combination of 'Je t'aime', taped hiss and something awful. Ignore."
Nasty Media: 'Spiked Copy' (Lightning Records)
"Wrong words on sleeve. Ha! HA!"
The Human League: 'Being Boiled' (Fast Product)
The Desperate Bicycles: 'Occupied Territory' (Refill Records)
"The a-side is average to dull, the b-side is dull to below zero. Thank you."
Steely Dan: 'FM (No Static At All)' (MCA)
"More West Coast dirge well below the level of human integrity."
Child: 'It's Only Make Believe' (Ariola)
"Thank God that's all it is. This little masterpiece was co-wrote by (HA!) C. Twitty and J. Nance, naturally, baby boy! It's utter dirge of the worst kind, I mean The Bachelors once covered it. Boos all round and 0 out of 10."
Steve Harley: 'Roll The Dice' (EMI)
"Steve Hardly fails yet again and so on ... Cheap EMI soul for the dustbins."
Small Faces: 'Over Too Soon' (Atlantic)
"The Small Phaeces are never over too soon."
Sham 69: 'If The Kids Are United' (Polydor)
"The Shame of '69 would sound more appropriate, next ..."
The Boyfriends: 'I'm In Love Today' (UA)
Quincy Jones: 'Stuff Like That' (A&M)
"This is a 'Promo Copy Not For Sale' and should remain that way."
Simon Park: 'Hobby Horse Or The Other Way Round' (BBC Records)
"Now I know why the BBC don't like me and it makes me very, very happy."
TOKEN REGGAE REVIEW
By Yourself Of Course.
"I ain't gonna advise cos reggae is far too diverse for the adverse, boy. Do it yourself and be gone. The END."
Fatback: 'I Like Girls' (Spring/Polydor)
"Surprisingly out-of-date groove, baby, even for disco."
The Isley Brothers: 'Groove With You' (Epic)
"I like or like the Isleys, I don't like this, do you?"
Sheila B. Devotion: 'You Light My Fire' (Carrere Records)
"Fodder oomff boom stompg, disco away Sheila, living it up on the cover with three token black men, maaan!"
INSULT OF THE WEEK
The Kinks: 'Live Life' (Arista)
"What can you say about patronising, prattish, ill-conceived, calculated, token gestures of 'understanding the scene, maaan' like this? Just hear the thing and find out for yourself, cos I can't put into words readable my disgust with this, and would it be worth the effort? PS, note the question marks?"
David Townsend: 'When I Kiss You' (Mercury)
"Just watch the Coke adverts, cos there's a particularly bad one where a goon with a tash gets his girl, and guess what! D. Townsend is a replica of a goon. The camera never lies."
DEFINITE BUY BY
Ivor Biggun & The Red-Nosed Burglars: 'The Winker's Song' (Beggars Banquet)
"This little charde for making money is so obvious that 'general public' will probably see it as art nouveaux, and who am I to question popular beliefs, baby!"
The Rubettes: 'Goodbye Dolly Gray' (Polydor)
"God, there's so much rubbish from Polydor in this week's releases, I'm surprised not even half of one of them aspires to the 'average' bracket we all know so well. Goodbye Dolly Gray, enter John Grey. BOOO ..."
RECORD OF THE YEAR
Martin O'Cuthbert: 'B.E.M.S' (Esoteric Records)
"Seriously, when I played this record an object on the wall started to vibrate very quickly, and I have witnesses to prove it. Martin O'Cuthbert is either a very evil person (just listen to the record) or a total fool (just listen to the record). Probably be big in Japan, and at a guess I'd say the whole thing comes off a Yamaha organ cos no synthesizer could sound that bad, could it?"
(from the 'T-Zers' section of the same issue (p. 55):
"Young Lydon, bless 'im, has been in the studio working on a possible single, while Lydon's bassman Jah Wobble has his solo single all set to go, probably on Virgin (or should it be Front Line?). Wobble is featured toasting (talking-over to you) a Wayne Jobson (Who? - Ed.) written and produced reggae song called 'Dreadlock A No Deal Wid Wedlock', wherein The Man From Whitechapel, surprisingly enough, expounds his unwillingness to enter the state of matrimonial union ..."
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